I think sometimes it’s hard to realise why you do something, or don’t do something as the case is. Lately I’ve stopped caring, stopped meeting my university deadlines and stopped budgeting. I was questioning why I suddenly didn’t care about things that used to be important, why I wasn’t stressed and crying over the fact I would probably fail second year and why my lack of funds wasn’t stopping me splashing out on unnecessary things. I’ve realised why. What does my university assignments matter if I have no intention of seeing out the year? What does money matter to someone no longer here?
I’m not sure when, but I know in my head I’ve made the decision that this is it. I’m done. I’m ready for this to be over. I’ve battled with the guilt of what it will do to others and decided I can’t live for someone else. I’ve struggled with the fact that I know people are fighting for their lives everyday and here I am ready to let go of mine so easily.. I just want the feelings to stop.
When I drive my car all I think about is putting my foot down and closing my eyes. When I walk across bridges I have to drag myself away from the edge and it’s temptation. Every time I’m alone I cry because I know what I want to do but know it will hurt others. I practice tying knots, I comb the Internet for ideas and information. I’m ready for this, ready for it all to stop.
I’m sorry but I know what I want and with every breath I know this isn’t it.
I’m not writing this for advice or for any reason other than I need to let the words out. They’ve tumbled onto the page as a mish-mash of feelings and thoughts, unpolished and unedited. Welcome to my brain.